and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
