and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
