I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
