I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
