I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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