we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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