I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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