I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
