please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I am available for nakedness
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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