guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
jump out the window naked night went bad
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