I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
