you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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