Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
