i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
