i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
