I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
