I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You work out of a Hotel?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
