Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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