I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
