I'm jealous of your bromance
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
