Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
