i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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