Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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