I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
