R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Found the puke drawer
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
