this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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