mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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