Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
