Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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