We're like a lot better than the average bears
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
