I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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