im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
