Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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