I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
