I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Text me some of your sweat
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
