sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
