We're facebook friends in real life
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
