remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
