He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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