I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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