we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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