sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
