im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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