fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
