U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
