ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
