She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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