You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
