I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
