i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
