Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So here I am, sexting at work.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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