He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
