Heybabeimwearingurpanties
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
