Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
