i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize