Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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