'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
