Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
