Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
