god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
