my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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