Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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