he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
