Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
