I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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