I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
