I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize