when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize