this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
